Author Kae

Author Kae

Carrick’s World Cup Diary

July 8, 2010 Tags: , Just for fun 1 comment

Soon as the yelling stopped, a glass tray flew across the room, bouncing off JT’s forehead and hitting me smack bang in the middle of my face. As I regained consciousness, all I could hear was the Gaffer screaming down at me:

“Carrick, watta da hell are you doing here? Mamma Mia! Next time I throw something at Roberto Green, don’t you dare get in its way. CAPICE?”

“Yes boss, sorry boss, won’t happen again boss.”

“Now shaddappa your face! And the rest of you, you will be punished severely for your weak performance today. Yes, I am pissed off and that means one thing – NO darts tonight, or ever again, until you learn how to be men on the football pitch.

“Shaun, you can still play on the Wii.”

I looked up and could see Gareth smirking, while Ash sneakily took a picture of himself, strangely. I also noticed Carra taking a picture of Ash too. Was I seeing things?

My vision was coming back to me and the blood had stopped gushing out of my forehead. I soon realised however that I was once again all alone in the changing room, with Wazza the last one to leave I shouted:

“Wayne please wait for me,” but he was too busy speaking Scouse to Stevie G to notice.

I got changed quickly and went outside, but the bus had left. They probably thought I was onboard. I am sure it was nothing more than an honest mistake.

A few journos I knew from back home drove up to me as I waited alone outside the empty stadium; I could see one of them was staring at my black eye and I knew he was going to grill me about it:

“Excuse me, do you know the quickest route to the downtown district?”

I was answering his questions when suddenly he yawned and drove away. He must have been very tired, as those guys have a very demanding job.

I managed to eventually get to the hotel, offering a truck driver my England kit and massage in return for a lift back. Unfortunately though, I got there late, just after the kitchen had closed. Apparently Frank had eaten all the supplies from the all night room service menu.

Never mind, I guess he needs the energy more than I do, seeing as he starts all our games.

I got to my room, having feasted on some wood and leaves from the garden. So all in all, it was a day full of positives.

Ok so we drew with the US and I didn’t get a single minute of play. Greeney will probably never play for England again and I can’t see properly out of my left eye but apart from that, it’s good to finally be under way in the 2010 World Cup.

I will write again after our easy game against Algeria. Unitl then keep those white flags flying high all you England fans, ‘cos we sure will.

I have to go now, I can hear someone outside my door…

Carra, is that you again?

Pat and Ji’s Good Morning Show

May 1, 2010 Tags: Just for fun 1 comment

‘Elo everyone.

Today we bring you ze truly amazing truth behind ze internet rumours of ze famous footballer, ‘iz lover, ‘iz wife and ‘er lover.

Yes Pat, after the dishonourable actions of Telly and Blidge, we bling you more shame to the honourable world of Plemielship football.

Not since ze Brookside show has zis city, which we cannot mention for fear of being sued, witnessed such extra marital frolicking.

So to keep ze identity safe, and not to be sued again, we have given ze man in question ze fake name of Shteven J.

So readers, exclusively to ze Pat and Ji show, we bring you ze first ever interview wiz Shteven J’s lover. Bravo!

Pat: Elo, please tell us your side of zis amazing story.

Lover: Hiya! Well me and my dead famous fella are ‘avin a babeeee.

Ji: Conglatulations!

Lover: Ta luv. We met last year, after my 16th birthday, not a day before, and fell for each other big tiiime.

Pat: Err ok, so please tell us more on why zat is so special?

Lover: Oh I suppose cos he’s a married man, and a captain of his once famous football club. His wife’s dead cool about it though, oh and she’s got her own fella.

Pat: Sacre Bleu! Quel debauchery!

Because we are spoiling you today readers, we bring you another exclusive with Shteven’s wife’s lover, Mr Ram, whose name iz also concealed for legal reasons.

Ji: Haro Mr Ram.

Mr Ram: Arrrrriiiight Ji.

Ji: Yes thank you. Please tell us about your story.

Mr Ram: Well I started seeing Shteven’s wife about the same time his manager made a famous rant on the telly. Shit I shouldn’t have said that.

Ji: No probrem, no one will make the connection. So, was his wife angry because he was having an affair? Or was she just ronrey?

Mr Ram: I guess it was a bit both, and her trips to see me in the East Midlands gave her an escape from it all. Going to see her previous fella Adebayor was a long journey down to London, so hooking up with me in the Midlands suited her more.

Ji: So are you both in rove now?

Mr Ram: Nah she’s not into all that, which is probably why it works for all of us. Strangely, the only thing she truly loves is Everton Football club. The way she kept kept calling me big Dunk, I could tell she was a blue at heart.

And zere you ‘ave it readers, another incredible insight into ze crazy world of ze dodgy footballers, a world Mr Ferguson protects us all from here at United.

Join us next time when we chat to Diego Forlan about ze amazing ease in which he scores against certain clubs. We also do an MTV crib style viewing of Carlito Tevez’s new home in Madrid, and we give Mike Phelan a long overdue make over involving long trousers and a Magnum P.I. style moustache.

So until then, it’s Aurevoir from me and it’s Annyeong from him.


Pat and Ji’s Good Morning Show

April 19, 2010 Tags: , , Just for fun 2 comments

‘Elo everyone, Pat ‘ere.

Like ze Richard and like ze Judy, Ji and I are proud to bring you our new show full of ze latest in Manchester United news, views and hot gossip. So good moaning everyone and welcome to our very first programme. Today, we take a look at ze worrying phenomenon of Dimitar Berbatov hating.

We investigate ze dark world of online football posting and teach you how to cook British/Asian fusion food with Ji’s special recipe for preparing deep fried sushi wiz gravy.

Paddy: Firstly, we ‘ave noticed a lot of angriness towards our friend Dimi. We do not like zis. I am a man of love making exceptionalness and I do not like ze negativity getting in ze way of free amour, especially not with my friends. You must all stop zis now.

Ji: Yes Pat, I aglee with you. In Korea, I am a symbol of love, not just football and whiskey, and I believe strongly that Dimi is a man that eberyone should be loving. Propaganda people out there must stop now and reave him arone.

Dimitar Berbatov United fans

Paddy: Now zat we have put an end to zis silly argument forever, let us move on to ze main part of ze show, our exclusive interview wiz an online chat addict about ‘iz obsession.

Pat: Hello Mr X

Mr X: Hello Pat and Ji

Pat: Most people use ze internet for ze naughty pictures and ze funny videos but for you it is much more zan zat, please tell us what ozer uses ze internet has?

Mr X: Well Pat, I spend most of my time on online football chat rooms. They are a place where you meet like minded people and disagree with them on everything. I try to leave comments everywhere I can, comments about comments, challenging all other people’s thoughts. It’s amazing how many disagreements I can rack up in a day. It’s full time work correcting people’s views, especially those ignorant journalists.

Ji: Wow, that is real flee speech, not like in North Korea.

Mr X: Yes Ji but some people out there do not think of it as a good thing. My counsellor for example, thinks I get too worked up and get into too much stress with idiots who do not agree with my thoughts!

Ji: You mean like in North Korea?

Mr X: Why oh why do these people continuously argue and deny the truth of my well researched opinions? I sometimes feel like I am the only one who truly understands what is really going on with United. It’s so frustrating…

Pat: Mr X, calm down, we do not like ze negativity on zis show.

Mr X: Oh sorry, I get worked up, it must be because of spending all this time in the parallel world of online football chat rooms and forums.

Ji: May I suggest you stop all this living through online world of football, and take up a more healthy traditional pastime, somesing like World of Warcraft for example.

World of Warcraft

Pat: Great advice Ji. Sadly that’s all we have time for today.

Join us next time when we chat to a fan of Manchester City about a common disease facing his people called trophy depravation syndrome. We will also have rare images of Antonio Valencia smiling during ze celebration of a goal and an exclusive sneak preview of our fabulous 2010 Green and Gold official strip, modelled by our very own Bryan Glazer.

So until then, it’s au revoir from me and it’s annyeong from him.


Keano’s Column: United’s Agony Aunt

April 4, 2010 Tags: , Just for fun 8 comments

Dear Keano,

Berba here. I am writing to you because I am fed up with carrying the team on my own. All season long I have created exquisite flicks and sublime control and it is proving to be a total waste of my time. Why, because those water carriers around me are simply not good enough to wear the same shirt as me.

How frustrated do you think I feel when none of my team mates is on my wavelength? They get in my way when I’m out of position and fail to read my elaborate passes when the whole point is to confuse the opposition!

Keano, You are the only one who understands what it feels like to be surrounded by inferior players. How do I deal with these frustrations without sinking to their level?

Dimitar Berbatov

Dear Berba,

Thank you for sharing your frustrations – some might say delusions – with the rest of us, on this most sensitive post-defeat Sunday of the season. Now, allow me to reply and share some of my opinions, which I suspect are similar to the rest footballing world’s.

I admit that there are those out there who see you as the re-incarnation of Eric Cantona; pure  football that lights up games and leaves connoisseurs of beauty purring.

Then there are the people outside your direct family who think you’re a footballing twat.

Given every chance, given a chant, given the ultimate stage on which to perform and you’ve blown it like a cheap street walker on New Year’s Eve.

You need to understand that you are the single biggest frustration that most Manchester United fans feel. Including me. Greater than Owen Hargreaves’ comebacks, than the Glazer debt and, hell, even greater than Nani’s decision making process.

Berba, you are more frustrating than a beautiful Cork city nun.

You are a striker, and yet you rarely strike. You are a centre forward, yet you rarely play in the box. You are a tall man with a big head, yet you rarely score headers. Hell you rarely score, and with that you rarely run, tackle or throw yourself at diving headers.
Granted you can pluck a ball out of the sky like a ballerina and flick the ball backwards like a circus seal but so feckin’ what?

If that’s your thing, then piss off back to ‘as long as we play beautiful football, it doesn’t matter that we win nuffin’ unless the year ends in one’ Tottenham Hotspur.

At United, it’s about winning, and you my sensitive European type are not going to win Bulgarian Substitute of the Year if things continue thise way.

Bayern awaits. So do we. The pressure is most definitely on. Fail us again and Triggs and I will be passing by yours very very soon.

Remember Berba, in Alderley Edge, no one can hear you scream.

Keano’s Column: United’s Agony Aunt

February 3, 2010 Tags: , Just for fun 7 comments

Dear readers,

Today we bring you the remarkable tale of Luis Nani, a heart warming story of human triumph over adversity, and a great example to the many losers out there that there is always hope, even for the most hopeless of cases.

In his first interview (today), the usually shy Nani opens himself up like never before, to talk frankly about the heartbreak of losing Cristiano, his addiction to somersaults and his deep dislike of Michael Jackson’s music.


We all remember the time, only a few weeks ago, when the football you were playing was nothing short of bad. And I mean really, really bad. Our poor opinion of you became as easy as ABC, and as clearcut as black or white. We wanted you out of our life. There were times when I wanted to grab you by the scruff of the neck and shake your body down to the ground.

Luckily, your great performances of late have calmed me down enough to ask you what everyone wants to know, how the bleedin’ hell did you manage to prove us all wrong and produce such an unexpected turnaround?

Nani: One more chance?

Mr. Keane,

Thank you for talking to me. I am very happy now after a long period of sadness where I wanted the whole world to just leave me alone.

I felt very sad that my best friend Cristiano left. Everyone loves Cristiano, and it was hard to accept the fact he was gone. ‘You are not alone’ I kept telling myself, but on that Old Trafford pitch, if felt like it.

The change came when Sir Alex put his arm around me and told me that my depression was part of human nature, but it could be dangerous if I didn’t beat it soon.

So I took a long hard look at the man in the mirror and realised that I wanted to be starting something, something positive at United.

I am a footballer, so my ambition was never to heal the world, but simply to show the fans another part of me.

Fans saw me as nothing more than a speed demon, a circus performer and worst of all a Michael Jackson impersonator. I had enough and I wanted to make that change.

So I stopped practicing somersaults and concentrated on football instead. No more double pirouettes for me, just hours of pass and move drills. This is it.

Since then, things have been fantastic, and now, the fans love me the way they loved Ronaldo. In fact I am playing so well that Real Madrid will come for me soon, I am sure of it.

In the meantime my goal is to get the fans to sing my name like they still do for Carlos Tevez, something like ‘Luis Nani is a red, he hates Jackson!” would be very nice.

I have many ambitions now with my new self belief and popularity amongst the fans. The most important thing however is to finally make sure people stop seeing Nani as a Michael Jackson look-alike and more as a person in my own right. That is my true hope and my most important life goal. Thank you all for your support.

A worthy dream. And I am sure we all agree, it couldn’t happen to a nicer man (in the mirror).

Nani, more than just a Michael Jackson look-alike

Keano’s Column: United’s Agony Aunt

January 22, 2010 Tags: , , Just for fun 1 comment

Ola Senior Roy,

Esto es Carlos. Por favour, una importante questione. Por que Gary Neville es una grande tarado?!

Hello Roy,

Gary here. A quick question, why is Carlos Tevez such a thumb sucking, ear cupping twat?!

Carlos, Gary,

Having received your messages, I thought it best to ignore them both for the sake of my sanity and the reputation of my column. This childish hostility is best addressed in a playground, and not in a serious advice section like mine.

However, upon further advice from Trisha, my agony aunt guru, I’ve decided to help you’s out as part of my relationship counselling studies.

So readers, in the spirit of daytime TV problem sharing, Carlos and Gary are brought together here, not just so that I can practice my relationship therapy skills, but so that they can sort their shite out. The greater goal is to spare the good people of Manchester anymore suffering from their constant bickering.

RK: Now Carlos, you seem to be the one with the biggest potato on your shoulder, feeling the most vulnerable here, so why don’t you start by telling us what has made you throw your toys out of the pram ever since you left United?

CT: Que?

RK: Why are you bitter?

CT: Ah si, bitter! Como el Bitter Blues. Manchester United no bery nice to Carlos. Carlos no mucho kh’appy.

RK: But you won everything with United, and they even gave you two best friends in Ji and Pat.

CT: Si. But Ferguson never love me, and he did not make me el capitain like Gary.

RK: Feck’s sake Carlos, enough with the whingeing ! Why do you always have to be the centre of fecking everything!

GN: Calm down Roy. The issue here is not Carlos’ treatment or him going to City, after all, the end of his career is none of our business. The issue here is that he called me a sock sucker, and that really, really, hurt.

CT: Gary, you call me an argie scouse bastardo, and then you show me the middle finger. That is very hurting to me also. I come from the toughest barrio of Buenos Aires, and I have never been so hurt like this.

GN: I did not realise that Carlos. I agree that words can hurt. Truth is you remind me of me, at a younger age, when I had the world at my feet.

CT: Gary, it is only because I respect you and your achievements so mucho that I say bad things about you. I was hurt by your rejection, so I want to hurt you back. My dream was to be as loved by the United fans as you are: ‘Carlos Tevez is a red, he hates scooters.’

GN: …and all I want now Carlos is for the Stretford End to sing ‘Sign him up, Fergie, Fergie sign him up!’ to me as they did to you.

CT: Te amo Gary. One day I will speak Engrish so we can never fight like this again.

GN: Carlos, you daft little grafter! See you at Pat’s later?

CT: Si mi amor.

So Carlos and Gary worked things out with a bit of Keano’s old fashioned bro-mancing magic.

Now hopefully the animosity is behind us, and we can all sit back and enjoy the derby match at Old Trafford on Wednesday night, having managed to ensure just in time that the rivalry wont be overshadowed by anything other than the football on the pitch.

Another job well done by me.


Keano’s Column: United’s Agony Aunt

January 15, 2010 Tags: Just for fun 3 comments

From an anonymous fan

Mr Keane. I’m interested in your view as to why the ownership of our Manchester United Buccaneers team has produced so much anger in the fans?

Has it not been under the Glazers’ exemplary stewardship of the business, I mean the club, that we have achieved such unrivaled success? Did we not win the UK bowl three years in a row? Did we not also win the World Series?

As a former quarterback of the mighty devils, and an expert in anger management, your opinion on how these, I mean, how us fans think would be very welcome. Go team Go!

Anonymous fan?

Who do you think you are kidding Malcolm? Your email’s IP address is the same as the email I received from you previously, when you sent me that fecking bill for 37p for the use of the Carrington water cooler in 2005.

I’ve just about managed to calm down since then, and as I’m duty bound to honour my commitment to this column, sure enough I’ll give you my view as to why the world at large thinks you’re a Mick McCarthy class fecker.

Now I might not be the most loved fella in the world Malcolm, but by Jesus compared to you’s, I’m positively mother Theresa’s apple crumble.

How comes? Well, we’ve all read the articles and heard the arguments about the root of your astonishing unpopularity. However, I think we’ve overlooked one vital factor that transcends all the valid points made previously e.g. debt, ticket prices, transfer funds etc.

Malcolm, I think the sheer scale and ferocity of the hatred towards you can be attributed largely to the unfortunate fact that you look like a mischievous thieving Leprechaun.

We’re not talking the pot of gold charming fecker kind that you read about in fairytales. I am talking the evil ginger bearded gold toothed alcoholic type you associate with cold turkey hallucinations.

Had you been a charming fecker like that Blair fella, or maybe a pretty Page 3 type lassy, then we’d have forgiven you a long time ago. “Aye, he may be pillaging our club, but he’s a good looking fella that Malcolm.”

That is not the case, and unfortunately for you, being the devious looking ugly fecker type has done you no favours in your quest to be loved while you ransack the club we love so dearly. Fair dues to you, it’s a tricky balance I must admit.

Evil Leprechaun | Malcom Glazer

Evil Leprechaun | Malcom Glazer

Now no need to lose heart here Malcolm, for like anything, there’s still hope in getting the fans onside.

Firstly shave the beard, then cull the number of kids to two (you can keep Edward and Darcie but six kids just emphasises the evil cartoon character persona plaguing you)

Most importantly, you need to sell United back to the fans, at a discount. If you follow my advice and repent, then you’ll be alright by us!

Actually I’m just fecking with you, there’s really no snowball’s chance in hell they’ll ever forgive you; not even if you turn your debt laden attentions to Liverpool.



Keano’s Column: United’s Agony Aunt

January 10, 2010 Tags: Just for fun 6 comments

Dear Roy – Hope you’re enjoying Suffolk and the dogs are well. I’m sure you’ve figured out why I’m writing after all these years. Losing to Leeds has truly shocked me. For once I am questioning the strength of my anger towards the team. That’s why I’m writing to you, my most trusted Lieutenant, for that honest advice you are so open to giving.


Firstly, I accept your apology and admission that booting me out in 2005 was your greatest mistake. Now, let bygones be bygones as I am not one to hold a grudge.

Now Alex, I think you are right to be feeling this anger towards your team. Coming to me was the right thing to do, as blind rage is an area I have studied in great detail.

Firstly, you should not hold your anger inside; it’s unhealthy. Simply let it rip in no uncertain terms like a crazed dog on speed. It’s therapeutic.

Feel free to tell all those quitters around you that they’re not fit to wear the shirt, and that they’re a bunch of prawn munching pampered Dublin softies, or words to that effect.

Secondly, focus your retribution on key areas. Now far be it from me to point at fellow professionals, but a few home ‘truuts need to be told here.

Alex, what the feck is this fella Berbatov all about? I’ve seen more effort in a sloth, and more heart in an artichoke. It makes me angry just thinking of him wearing the red shirt. Make an example of him. No not another boot in the face, this time, simply make the ta’sser practice the old 50/50 sliding tackle drill with the Carrington lawnmower; that’ll teach him to shirk a challenge, and make sure this is done in front of the whole team, every day for a month. Once that’s done, sell him in the summer…to Ipswich

And as for that Scouse midget, well how comes you’re suddenly all soft on him? Is it because he’s free Alex? Or is it because of the horse thing? Well whatever the reason, stop being soft and bin him. He’s not good enough for Liverpool, he definitely not good enough for United. Again, if you need a favour, I’ll take him off your hands.

Now, for the rest of those pansies, well a good old fashioned 24 hour ice bath, followed by a spell in Accrington Stanley reserves, culminating with a team trip down Leeds high street with no security, in full United colours, should do the trick.

Remember Alex, anger is good, but rage is what gets the job done. It maybe unfashionable these days, but give me a cattle prod over a sports psychologist any day of the week. Best of luck to you.

So reader, if you find yourself in need of advice, Roy here will be only too happy to give you some of my good old fashioned guidance.


Dimitar Berbatov’s seven habits of highly successful people like me: #7 Spreading Yourself

December 25, 2009 Tags: Just for fun 7 comments

Hello fans

It’s that special time again, the period I look forward to a lot, the most magical time of the year for me and all those who love me.

No I am not talking about Jesus’ birthday party, but a much more significant event.

Yes fans, it’s the personal awards season again, the time when true recognition is given to me and all the other successful people who have helped shape the modern world.

This year has especially been great. I must thank the great people of earth, for voting me Bulgarian Man of the Year. A truly global award, second only to being BBC Sports Personality of the Year.

I have been receiving awards regularly throughout my life. This has not only helped me overcome my natural shyness, but has also helped me reach out and touch many people I would have otherwise ignored.

Berbatov Receiving One of Many Awards

Berbatov Receiving One of Many Awards

So what better way to end this journey I have taken you on (for no cost), than by sharing with you my final piece of life advice. No it’s not the habit of accumulating awards, but something altogether more all embracing.

My final habit of successful people like me is habit #7: Spreading Yourself (for the ones who love you).

Berbatov Spreading Himself to Fans

Berbatov Spreading Himself to Fans

I always think back to my childhood cartoon hero Captain Communist, whose catchphrase was “Give it back to the people or the secret police will come and get you.” It is catchier in Bulgarian.

His wise words taught me from a young age that becoming more successful than most people, allows you to touch others in ways being normal can’t allow you to do.

Spreading yourself onto others is both a duty and a privilege of success; it is the direct result of all the great habits I have taught you to practice over this series.

From fans, to team mates, to lonely people, spreading yourself brings joy to all those around you. It is not complicated but very rewarding. It can take many shapes and forms and can be done at anytime and anywhere. Beware though, it can also be very time consuming, especially if you want to be an all round spreader like me.

Berbatov Spreading Yourself IBerbatov Spreading Yourself IVBerbatov Spreading Yourself VI

So during this period of giving, you must take example from me, from Jesus, and even from the Manchester United defensive crisis, and let people in. Sharing success with those who have none is the noblest act a successful person can do.

With those wise words, I must go now. It has been a pleasure teaching you how to be more like me and live more successfully.

Believe in yourselves fans and in your hour of need, feel free to look at me for the inspiration that will guide you from the darkness to the light.

There is one small thing I ask in return. I think it is time you updated the famous song you all love to sing at Christmas, and here are the changes I think would work really well:

“….On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me, seven Berbatovs… and a Dimitar Berbatov!”

Good bye

Dimitar Berbatov’s seven habits of highly successful people like me: #6 Mafia Dodging

December 2, 2009 Tags: Just for fun No comments

Hello fans.

Many of you have read the news reports about me running away from Bulgaria’s number one gangster, Boris Hitmanovski. This is not true.

I did not run, and never let it be said that Berba is a runner!

The truth is I was airlifted, and I must take this opportunity to thank the S.A.S. for escorting me so safely from Bulgaria directly to the panic room of my high security Cheshire mansion.

This type of fleeing from people trying to kill me is a regular event in my life. Fans, you will be amazed to hear that some people do not love me as you do, and wish to harm me. No, I am not talking about jealous ex-lovers or Carlos Tevez. I am talking about the Mafia.

This is why escaping organised crime has become a key skill of mine, and an important habit of successful people like me. Habit #6: Mafia Dodging

Left: Hitmanovski angry, Right: Berbatov relaxed

Left: Hitmanovski Facebook Profile - Right: Berbatov Mafia Dodging

In today’s world, it seems that sleeping with a criminal warlord’s wife, in his house, in his bed, wearing his pyjamas, is considered an act Hitmanovski is not prepared to forgive me for.

Even after kidnapping my pet rabbit Carlos, and selling him to a circus run by gypsies touring the Belgian countryside, he still does not see us as quits.

Well what can I do?

I certainly cannot spend my life hiding in my panic room, mainly due to my commitments to being in public places such as football stadiums and awards ceremonies.

So I have hired a discreet team of ex-KGB mercenaries that shadow my every move. This protection team also includes 37 Dobermans, an Apache attack helicopter, and a direct line to launch the USS Eisenhower’s first strike attack squadron.

All these subtle measures have ensured that I am safe in leafy Cheshire, while allowing me to lead a normal life like everyone else, safe from underworld harrassment.

Berbatov with discreet ex-KGB team

Berbatov with Discreet ex-KGB Team

So fans, if you find yourself tweaking the nose of a notorious crime lord, forget the old Italian saying: “You must keep your friends close, but your enemies closer,” and remember Berba’s more effective Bulgarian motto: “Keep your friends close enough to shield you from a bullet, and make sure your enemies can only get to you through your pets.”

Goodbye and Good Mafia Dodging