Enjoy the Olympics, just don’t bring baby… or an oversized hat

Bobby Charlton

This summer, before the real thing finally gets underway on 18 August and Manchester United return to Premier League action, Old Trafford will play host to nine men’s and women’s Olympic football matches during the group and knockout stages, with GB, Spain, Brazil and Uruguay men’s teams due to play in Manchester.

The tournament kicks off on 26 July, with the final game at Old Trafford due to take place on 7 August. But the real action kicked off last week, when United legend Bobby Charlton ran the Olympic torch past the ‘Theatre of Dreams’.

While few take the under-23 plus three over-aged players Olympic football tournament seriously, there could be some top names on show at Old Trafford. Indeed, United’s Tom Cleverley and Ryan Giggs should play for Stuart Pearce’s GB team, while David de Gea will captain Spain during the tournament, and Rafael da Silva is with the Brazilians. Rafael’s team-mates Neymar and Lucas Moura, who are the subject of much transfer speculation this summer, will also travel for the games.

So while the tournament may not be well-regarded, the entertainment could prove surprising. That’s if those lucky enough to have secured a ticket for any of the matches, actually make it into the ground. After all, the organising committee, in its infinite wisdom, has drawn up a very long list of items banned from ‘London 2012 venues’. Edited here for brevity, but for not context:

  • All types of knives and bladed items or any other weapons
  • Implements such as extendable batons, sharpened combs, modified belt buckles and loose blades modified into weapons
  • Firearms, ammunition and explosive devices
  • Personal protection sprays such as CS or pepper sprays
  • Fireworks, explosives, flares and smoke canisters
  • Laser pointers and strobe lights
  • Hazardous and toxic materials
  • Glass bottles, glass vessels, cans, flasks
  • Liquids, aerosols and gels in quantities greater than 100ml
  • Alcohol
  • Large flags, banners and poles greater than 1 m in length
  • Tents, placards, spray paint, large industrial style “permanent“ marker pens
  • More than one soft-sided bag of 25 litre capacity
  • Walkie-talkies, phone jammers and radio scanners
  • Personal/private wireless access points and 3G hubs
  • Items too large to be electronically screened
  • Bicycles, folding bikes, roller-skates and skateboards and scooters
  • Pets or animals
  • Controlled drugs or any substances which look like controlled drugs
  • Frisbees and similar items
  • Musical instruments: trumpets, drums, and other devices capable of causing a disturbance
  • Noisemakers such as hunting horns, air horns, klaxons, drums, vuvuzelas, football rattles, clappers and whistles
  • Signs or items with corporate or inappropriate branding, sponsorship, promotional or marketing material
  • Professional-style cameras or recording/transmitting devices
  • Prams / push chairs
  • Unauthorised charity collection utensils
  • Large or non collapsible umbrellas
  • hampers and cold boxes

In addition, notes the organising committee’s helpful email to ticket holders, there are restrictions on the use of some items inside venues, including:

  • Oversized hats
  • Excessive amounts of food
  • Flags of countries not participating in the games

But fans will be delighted to know that they CAN bring the following items. Rant suggests liberal use of breast milk in particular:

  • 10 containers of up to 100ml capacity each, giving a combined maximum capacity of one litre
  • 200ml of sun cream
  • Essential medications must not exceed a combined total of one litre
  • An empty plastic water bottle
  • Soya milk for babies
  • Sterilised water for the baby
  • Formula, breast milk or cow milk specifically for babies
  • Baby food of various consistencies

Much of which will disappoint regular Rant readers given our penchant for bringing unusual items to games, including, but not limited to: intercontinental thermonuclear ballistic missiles; the flag of Vatican City; an umbrella to keep out of the Manchester rain, 201ml of sun cream, you know, just in-f*cking-case; an atmosphere; a large sign bearing the moniker “John Terry is a c*nt”; a MasterCard; a half-full bottle of Evian to keep the vocal chords nimble; an Anderson-sized McDonald’s order; sherbert dip.

We can, and will, however try to sneak in the items not proscribed by the IOC, such as condoms, a dildo, anal beads, and a gimp mask.

Mind you, Rant will of course be wearing its lucky match-day pants during the games:

olympics pants

 

Matches held at Old Trafford during the Olympic football tournament

Group stage
26 Jul – UAE v Uruguay (men’s, 17:00)
26 Jul – GB v Senegal (men’s, 19:45)
29 Jul – Brazil v Belarus (men’s, 12:00)
29 Jul – Egypt v New Zealand (men’s, 14:45)
31 Jul – USA v N Korea (women’s, 17:15)
1 Aug – Spain v Morocco (men’s, 17:00)

Quarter-finals
4 Aug (men’s, TBC)

Semi-finals
6 Aug (women’s, TBC)
7 Aug (men’s, TBC)

Happy Olympics, folks!

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  • Red Dave

    I wont be holding my breath for the olympics rantcast then guys…

  • Alfonso Bedoya

    Where’d you get that photo Ed?… I hate to be seen without my sombrero.

    “Badges, to god-damned hell with badges! We have no badges. In fact, we don’t need badges. I don’t have to show you any stinking badges, you god-damned cabrón and ching’ tu madre! Come out from that shit-hole of yours. I have to speak to you.”

  • sidney

    - Signs or items with corporate or inappropriate branding, sponsorship, promotional or marketing material

    Because we don’t want to ruin the games with too much advertising

    - Excessive amounts of food

    The yanks will struggle with this one

    - All types of knives and bladed items or any other weapons
    - Implements such as extendable batons, sharpened combs, modified belt buckles and loose blades modified into weapons
    - Firearms, ammunition and explosive devices

    FFS… You can’t do nowt. ‘Elf n safety gone mad.

  • Charmingman93

    That’s not Health and Safety that’s paranoia of terrorists gone mad…

  • uncleknobheadforfucksake

    what if when combing my hair I accidently slash the throats of numerous passers by, before taking my own life via unauthorised charity utensils

  • Alfonso Bedoya

    What if?

  • http://minesuhpint.tumblr.com GeorgiaJon

    NO KLAXONS!?!?!?!

  • Pikey McScum

    Anyone know where I can put tickets up for sale? Won them in a competition and can’t go. Ebay is a no go

  • Alfonso Bedoya

    Tickets for what?

    Drive in, with “The Dark Knight Rises” being shown on your forehead?

  • Pikey McScum

    Clue’s in the thread title…