Keano’s Column: United’s Agony Aunt

February 3, 2010 Tags: , Just for fun 7 comments

Dear readers,

Today we bring you the remarkable tale of Luis Nani, a heart warming story of human triumph over adversity, and a great example to the many losers out there that there is always hope, even for the most hopeless of cases.

In his first interview (today), the usually shy Nani opens himself up like never before, to talk frankly about the heartbreak of losing Cristiano, his addiction to somersaults and his deep dislike of Michael Jackson’s music.


We all remember the time, only a few weeks ago, when the football you were playing was nothing short of bad. And I mean really, really bad. Our poor opinion of you became as easy as ABC, and as clearcut as black or white. We wanted you out of our life. There were times when I wanted to grab you by the scruff of the neck and shake your body down to the ground.

Luckily, your great performances of late have calmed me down enough to ask you what everyone wants to know, how the bleedin’ hell did you manage to prove us all wrong and produce such an unexpected turnaround?

Nani: One more chance?

Mr. Keane,

Thank you for talking to me. I am very happy now after a long period of sadness where I wanted the whole world to just leave me alone.

I felt very sad that my best friend Cristiano left. Everyone loves Cristiano, and it was hard to accept the fact he was gone. ‘You are not alone’ I kept telling myself, but on that Old Trafford pitch, if felt like it.

The change came when Sir Alex put his arm around me and told me that my depression was part of human nature, but it could be dangerous if I didn’t beat it soon.

So I took a long hard look at the man in the mirror and realised that I wanted to be starting something, something positive at United.

I am a footballer, so my ambition was never to heal the world, but simply to show the fans another part of me.

Fans saw me as nothing more than a speed demon, a circus performer and worst of all a Michael Jackson impersonator. I had enough and I wanted to make that change.

So I stopped practicing somersaults and concentrated on football instead. No more double pirouettes for me, just hours of pass and move drills. This is it.

Since then, things have been fantastic, and now, the fans love me the way they loved Ronaldo. In fact I am playing so well that Real Madrid will come for me soon, I am sure of it.

In the meantime my goal is to get the fans to sing my name like they still do for Carlos Tevez, something like ‘Luis Nani is a red, he hates Jackson!” would be very nice.

I have many ambitions now with my new self belief and popularity amongst the fans. The most important thing however is to finally make sure people stop seeing Nani as a Michael Jackson look-alike and more as a person in my own right. That is my true hope and my most important life goal. Thank you all for your support.

A worthy dream. And I am sure we all agree, it couldn’t happen to a nicer man (in the mirror).

Nani, more than just a Michael Jackson look-alike


Ashish - February 4, 2010 Reply


ponstan - February 4, 2010 Reply

keep it in the closet, Nani.

Christina - February 4, 2010 Reply

You know, I really think if anyone deserves praise for his remarkable turnaround, it’s him. He started with the Man In The Mirror, because frankly he’s gone from Bad to good as easy as ABC. I think everyone needs to take note of this – and I mean everyone – Anderson, Robinho…BEN…everyone! His Off The Wall performances could be called Human Nature but it seems that now he’s a Rockin’ Robin. I say Nani – Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough. So I think he should Beat It to Carrington, tell every one to “Leave Me Alone” and make himself into the Thriller we all know he can become. And you never know, years from now we could be looking back saying things like Remember The Time we all said Nani wouldn’t fulfil his potential and proved us all wrong?! Nani you really amazed me this past week and no matter what I want you to know that You Are Not Alone.

On a real note – I am totally proud of you Nani!

Hotdog - February 4, 2010 Reply

Don’t blame it on the sunshine don’t blame it on the moonlight. Blame it on the glazers.

RedGem - February 7, 2010 Reply

HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Friggin’ hilarious and utterly brilliant! You’re BAD! REALLY, REALLY BAD!

Dear Nani,
Who Is It? Who turned you into this Unbreakable and Invincible footballer? Speechless – that’s The Way You Make Me Feel. To other teams you are a Heartbreaker but, man, You Rock My World”. You play like you’ve got 2000 Watts in you so others are Threatened and look like Lost Children who want to Cry. Whatever Happens, Don’t Walk Away from Old Trafford – you Got To Be There. So Nani – Will You Be There? Forever? Coz if you do, One Day in Your Life, you’ll be a United Legend.
Lastly, Nani, you really are okay.

The Lady In Your Life

MonkeyNut - February 8, 2010 Reply

Giggle. Giggle. Giggle.
our unique ability to distill complicated ideas of stardom & pop culture is a true Thriller. It’s by no accident that you are known to bring out peoples Human Nature in a way that truly makes fan belt out ‘We are the World’ . Your writing is the Ebony to Ivory & vice versa. If only Billie Jean would see you for the true talent you are instead of listening to the rants of that gang of moonwalking thugs with the street cred of the most fear-inducing Smooth Criminal then she would cry out in a heartfelt cheer of ‘You are not alone.’

Big Up from the Hood.

nicorn7 - February 23, 2010 Reply

*dances on the floor in a round*

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