Keano’s Column: United’s Agony Aunt
From an anonymous fan
Mr Keane. I’m interested in your view as to why the ownership of our Manchester United Buccaneers team has produced so much anger in the fans?
Has it not been under the Glazers’ exemplary stewardship of the business, I mean the club, that we have achieved such unrivaled success? Did we not win the UK bowl three years in a row? Did we not also win the World Series?
As a former quarterback of the mighty devils, and an expert in anger management, your opinion on how these, I mean, how us fans think would be very welcome. Go team Go!
Who do you think you are kidding Malcolm? Your email’s IP address is the same as the email I received from you previously, when you sent me that fecking bill for 37p for the use of the Carrington water cooler in 2005.
I’ve just about managed to calm down since then, and as I’m duty bound to honour my commitment to this column, sure enough I’ll give you my view as to why the world at large thinks you’re a Mick McCarthy class fecker.
Now I might not be the most loved fella in the world Malcolm, but by Jesus compared to you’s, I’m positively mother Theresa’s apple crumble.
How comes? Well, we’ve all read the articles and heard the arguments about the root of your astonishing unpopularity. However, I think we’ve overlooked one vital factor that transcends all the valid points made previously e.g. debt, ticket prices, transfer funds etc.
Malcolm, I think the sheer scale and ferocity of the hatred towards you can be attributed largely to the unfortunate fact that you look like a mischievous thieving Leprechaun.
We’re not talking the pot of gold charming fecker kind that you read about in fairytales. I am talking the evil ginger bearded gold toothed alcoholic type you associate with cold turkey hallucinations.
Had you been a charming fecker like that Blair fella, or maybe a pretty Page 3 type lassy, then we’d have forgiven you a long time ago. “Aye, he may be pillaging our club, but he’s a good looking fella that Malcolm.”
That is not the case, and unfortunately for you, being the devious looking ugly fecker type has done you no favours in your quest to be loved while you ransack the club we love so dearly. Fair dues to you, it’s a tricky balance I must admit.
Now no need to lose heart here Malcolm, for like anything, there’s still hope in getting the fans onside.
Firstly shave the beard, then cull the number of kids to two (you can keep Edward and Darcie but six kids just emphasises the evil cartoon character persona plaguing you)
Most importantly, you need to sell United back to the fans, at a discount. If you follow my advice and repent, then you’ll be alright by us!
Actually I’m just fecking with you, there’s really no snowball’s chance in hell they’ll ever forgive you; not even if you turn your debt laden attentions to Liverpool.