Keano’s Column: United’s Agony Aunt
Dear Roy – Hope you’re enjoying Suffolk and the dogs are well. I’m sure you’ve figured out why I’m writing after all these years. Losing to Leeds has truly shocked me. For once I am questioning the strength of my anger towards the team. That’s why I’m writing to you, my most trusted Lieutenant, for that honest advice you are so open to giving.
Firstly, I accept your apology and admission that booting me out in 2005 was your greatest mistake. Now, let bygones be bygones as I am not one to hold a grudge.
Now Alex, I think you are right to be feeling this anger towards your team. Coming to me was the right thing to do, as blind rage is an area I have studied in great detail.
Feel free to tell all those quitters around you that they’re not fit to wear the shirt, and that they’re a bunch of prawn munching pampered Dublin softies, or words to that effect.
Secondly, focus your retribution on key areas. Now far be it from me to point at fellow professionals, but a few home ‘truuts need to be told here.
Alex, what the feck is this fella Berbatov all about? I’ve seen more effort in a sloth, and more heart in an artichoke. It makes me angry just thinking of him wearing the red shirt. Make an example of him. No not another boot in the face, this time, simply make the ta’sser practice the old 50/50 sliding tackle drill with the Carrington lawnmower; that’ll teach him to shirk a challenge, and make sure this is done in front of the whole team, every day for a month. Once that’s done, sell him in the summer…to Ipswich
And as for that Scouse midget, well how comes you’re suddenly all soft on him? Is it because he’s free Alex? Or is it because of the horse thing? Well whatever the reason, stop being soft and bin him. He’s not good enough for Liverpool, he definitely not good enough for United. Again, if you need a favour, I’ll take him off your hands.
Now, for the rest of those pansies, well a good old fashioned 24 hour ice bath, followed by a spell in Accrington Stanley reserves, culminating with a team trip down Leeds high street with no security, in full United colours, should do the trick.
Remember Alex, anger is good, but rage is what gets the job done. It maybe unfashionable these days, but give me a cattle prod over a sports psychologist any day of the week. Best of luck to you.
So reader, if you find yourself in need of advice, Roy here will be only too happy to give you some of my good old fashioned guidance.