Today we bring you ze truly amazing truth behind ze internet rumours of ze famous footballer, ‘iz lover, ‘iz wife and ‘er lover.
Yes Pat, after the dishonourable actions of Telly and Blidge, we bling you more shame to the honourable world of Plemielship football.
Not since ze Brookside show has zis city, which we cannot mention for fear of being sued, witnessed such extra marital frolicking.
So to keep ze identity safe, and not to be sued again, we have given ze man in question ze fake name of Shteven J.
So readers, exclusively to ze Pat and Ji show, we bring you ze first ever interview wiz Shteven J’s lover. Bravo!
Pat: Elo, please tell us your side of zis amazing story.
Lover: Hiya! Well me and my dead famous fella are ‘avin a babeeee.
Lover: Ta luv. We met last year, after my 16th birthday, not a day before, and fell for each other big tiiime.
Pat: Err ok, so please tell us more on why zat is so special?
Lover: Oh I suppose cos he’s a married man, and a captain of his once famous football club. His wife’s dead cool about it though, oh and she’s got her own fella.
Pat: Sacre Bleu! Quel debauchery!
Because we are spoiling you today readers, we bring you another exclusive with Shteven’s wife’s lover, Mr Ram, whose name iz also concealed for legal reasons.
Ji: Haro Mr Ram.
Mr Ram: Arrrrriiiight Ji.
Ji: Yes thank you. Please tell us about your story.
Mr Ram: Well I started seeing Shteven’s wife about the same time his manager made a famous rant on the telly. Shit I shouldn’t have said that.
Ji: No probrem, no one will make the connection. So, was his wife angry because he was having an affair? Or was she just ronrey?
Mr Ram: I guess it was a bit both, and her trips to see me in the East Midlands gave her an escape from it all. Going to see her previous fella Adebayor was a long journey down to London, so hooking up with me in the Midlands suited her more.
Ji: So are you both in rove now?
Mr Ram: Nah she’s not into all that, which is probably why it works for all of us. Strangely, the only thing she truly loves is Everton Football club. The way she kept kept calling me big Dunk, I could tell she was a blue at heart.
And zere you ‘ave it readers, another incredible insight into ze crazy world of ze dodgy footballers, a world Mr Ferguson protects us all from here at United.
Join us next time when we chat to Diego Forlan about ze amazing ease in which he scores against certain clubs. We also do an MTV crib style viewing of Carlito Tevez’s new home in Madrid, and we give Mike Phelan a long overdue make over involving long trousers and a Magnum P.I. style moustache.
So until then, it’s Aurevoir from me and it’s Annyeong from him.