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UNITEDRANT

RAGE against the Serene

August 13, 2016 Tags: , Opinion No comments
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The sun is resplendent as it shines through into the Hall of Really Angry Grumpy Entities (RAGE for short). The world is seemingly at peace, uncomfortably so when suddenly the Angertron 5000, a highly advanced supercomputer, bursts into life. Its high-pitched whiney alarm first catches the attention of the leader of the Just Fuss League, Mr. Incredulous.

 

Mr. Incredulous: Hark! Angertron 5000, what alarms you so?

Angertron 5000: I have word of a transfer, Paul Pogba has joined Manchester United.

Mr. Incredulous: WHAT? That fiend! How dare he! For what fee?

Angertron 5000: £89 million!

Mr. Incredulous: Are you kidding me? That’s like 1.18 Gonzalo Higuaíns! We need to assemble the crew!

 

Out of nowhere hard rock music blares out of the speakers at the Hall of RAGE. The shutters slam down as Mr. Incredulous is treated to a spectacular pyrotechnic and light show.

 

Mr Incredulous: Great! The curtains are on fire again.

 

Mr. Incredulous extinguishes the flames as he watches a streak of nervous energy whizz by him. Running around the Hall of RAGE in a blind fury, an anatomically befuddling figure covered in bright face paint shakes any object he can get hold of in an uncontrollable fashion. The audio and visual extravaganza eventually fades as the make-up heavy merchant turns to Mr. Incredulous.

 

Mr. Incredulous: THE ULTIMATE WORRIER. Glad you could make it.

The Ultimate Worrier: Won’t someone think of the children? WON’T ANYBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

Mr. Incredulous: So you’ve heard the news then?

The Ultimate Worrier: What news?

Mr. Incredulous: Paul Pogba has signed for a world record £89 million pounds by Manchester United.

The Ultimate Worrier: £89 million? That’s like 1.18 Gonzalo Higuaíns! WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN? Specifically the Juventus supporting children who have Pogba kits, after all they’re the real victims.

Angertron 5000: I’m afraid the news has already reached one of our team mates.

The Ultimate Worrier: Oh no! You mean?

Angertron 5000: That’s right, our colleague THE INCREDIBLE SULK, a huge Juventus fan, is in his quarters swaying back and forth muttering incoherently. I shall bring up a live video now.

The Angertron 5000 brings up a CCTV feed of The Incredible Sulk’s room. He’s sat on his bed with his arms around his knees as he tries to curl up into a little ball.

 

The Incredible Sulk: *mutter mutter* Didn’t rate Pogba anyway. *natter natter* Higuaín’s better *sulk sulk* 1.18 times better.

 

Mr. Incredulous switches off the video.

 

Mr. Incredulous: Umm Angertron 5000, didn’t we speak about getting rid of cameras in the sleeping quarters?

Angertron 5000: Yes, but I didn’t listen.

Mr. Incredulous: Angertron. I would be incredulous but all my incredulity is spent on the Paul Pogba transfer. There’s even a hashtag, a hashtag! #Pogback!

The Ultimate Worrier: You know what would really express our indignation? A strongly worded essay conflating a number of completely irrelevant topics showing us up to be totally incapable of understanding what’s just happened.

Mr. Incredulous: We can even call Manchester United a “factory” instead of a “club”. I don’t know why but my word it does sound angry!

The Ultimate Worrier: Incredulous even!

troll

Just then footsteps echo through the Hall of RAGE, a figure steps out of the shadows holding a typewriter and what appears to be an Indian condiment.

 

Mystery voice: Never fear, it is I…PAPERBACK RAITA! I shall translate our impotent rage onto the page.

The Ultimate Worrier: Our hero?

Paperback Raita: I shall write about the children! I shall write about war! I shall write about poverty! I shall write about how this transfer fee is an affront to humanity even though Manchester United earned the money through commercial deals and *spit* partnerships. And I shall write it using…Comic Sans!

Mr. Incredulous: How dare they spend money we deem excessive and purchase a player with their own cash!

Paperback Raita: That’s right! If we’re lucky we can attach the essay to a highly insensitive cartoon too to ram our point home!

The Ultimate Worrier: Umm, I have one question. Shouldn’t you be called “Paperback Writer”?

Paperback Raita: I misunderstood the lyric.

The Ultimate Worrier: That’s worrying. You could change just your name though right?

Paperback Raita: Too late! I’ve committed to the role and for some reason I find carrying yoghurt mixed with cucumber and spices oddly gratifying. Anyway it was either that or “Letter B” and I can’t write pieces of fire and brimstone with just the letter “B”!

 

Just then the Angertron 5000’s high-pitched whiney alarm sets off again.

 

Mr. Incredulous: Egad! What is it now?

Angertron 5000: Real Madrid have just signed Moussa Sissoko for a world record fee of £100 million from Newcastle.

 

Mr. Incredulous, the Ultimate Worrier and Paperback Raita look at each other in stunned amazement.

 

Mr. Incredulous, the Ultimate Worrier and Paperback Raita: WHAT A BARGAIN!

Mr. Incredulous: I can’t believe they signed him for such a reasonable price.

The Ultimate Worrier: Sissoko is one of the best players in the world. Didier Deschamps thinks so too. I’m not worried.

Paperback Raita: I’m going to pen a fawning ode to the footballing marriage that is Moussa Sissoko and Real Madrid.

Mr. Incredulous: By the way what were we angry about again?

 

The Ultimate Worrier and Paperback Raita shrug their shoulders and wander off safe in the knowledge that their short lived, completely inappropriate rage was not in vain.

 

Meanwhile the Incredible Sulk, unaware of everything that has happened, is still sulking.

 

Whilst our…umm…heroes wander away in their own form of uninformed bliss a new season of the Premier League is about to kick off. Football, as the saying goes, is back! #Pogback!

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