The Muppet Show: United edition
Statler and Waldorf have finished watching Manchester United’s humbling at Stamford Bridge by Chelsea. Are they fans of the Red Devils? Probably not, but if there’s an opportunity to have a good moan the pair are always game for a whinge.
Statler: Well, I Kanté believe that happened!
Waldorf: That United lost 4-0?
Statler: No, that N’Golo Kanté went though the defence like a hot knife through cheap butter
Waldorf: That’s a terrible pun!
Statler: Conte you get it?
Waldorf: I can’t remember seeing anything that bad during Louis van Gaal’s days
Statler: That’s because you slept through all of it. Your snoring kept me up through the whole thing!
Waldorf: No wonder you’re so grumpy
Statler: Yeah, well at least I’m beautiful
Waldorf: You sure are. As good looking as Mike Smalling’s defending!
Statler: But you know what? It’s easy to criticize
Waldorf: So what’s your point?
Statler: Nothing, I was just saying it’s easy to criticize, the performance was just that bad!
Waldorf: Yeah, the blues sure gave José the blues
Statler: But you can tell that Mourinho is Red now through and through
Waldorf: Because of the colour of his cheeks! That display would make me blush too
Statler: His cheeks? I was going for something more profound, but that works too. Kind of fits in with our shtick too
Waldorf: We have a shtick?
Statler: Yeah, it’s in the same cupboard we keep Morgan Schneiderlin and Henrikh Mkhitaryan
Waldorf: Could be useful one day
Statler: Yeah and so could Schneiderlin and Mkhitaryan too! Say, I think my bonsai shears are there too
Waldorf: Oh oh, I know where this is leading
Statler: It’s time to trim…
Waldorf: It’s time to trim…
Statler: My unibrow! With our noggins do you think I’d even try to make a David Luiz, Marouane Fellaini hair quip?
Waldorf: Yeah, no NEED to do that.
Waldorf: We don’t have enough hair to qualify as football Einsteins
Statler: Well, that’s all relative, in theory anyway. So what about the goals?
Waldorf: Well, the first one was scored in no time. It takes me longer to *snore*
Statler: Wake up!
Waldorf: Huh? What? Oh, sorry just doing my impression of Mike Smalling
Statler: And the second, third and fourth goal?
Waldorf (sleep talking): There’s nothing like good tactics
Statler (sleep talking): Nothing like it in this game
Statler and Waldorf drift into a deep slumber where they dream about muttering sweet (or sour) nothings into the ear of pre-hair op Antonio Conte.