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UNITEDRANT

The Muppet Show: United edition

October 25, 2016 Tags: Opinion 2 comments
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Statler and Waldorf have finished watching Manchester United’s humbling at Stamford Bridge by Chelsea.  Are they fans of the Red Devils?  Probably not, but if there’s an opportunity to have a good moan the pair are always game for a whinge.


Statler: Well, I Kanté believe that happened!

Waldorf: That United lost 4-0?

Statler: No, that N’Golo Kanté went though the defence like a hot knife through cheap butter

Waldorf: That’s a terrible pun!

Statler: Conte you get it?

 

Waldorf: I can’t remember seeing anything that bad during Louis van Gaal’s days

Statler: That’s because you slept through all of it.  Your snoring kept me up through the whole thing!

Waldorf: No wonder you’re so grumpy

Statler: Yeah, well at least I’m beautiful

Waldorf: You sure are.  As good looking as Mike Smalling’s defending!

 

Statler: But you know what? It’s easy to criticize

 


 

Waldorf: So what’s your point?

Statler: Nothing, I was just saying it’s easy to criticize, the performance was just that bad!

Waldorf: Yeah, the blues sure gave José the blues

 

Statler:  But you can tell that Mourinho is Red now through and through

Waldorf: Because of the colour of his cheeks! That display would make me blush too

Statler: His cheeks? I was going for something more profound, but that works too.  Kind of fits in with our shtick too

Waldorf: We have a shtick?

Statler: Yeah, it’s in the same cupboard we keep Morgan Schneiderlin and Henrikh Mkhitaryan

Waldorf: Could be useful one day

Statler: Yeah and so could Schneiderlin and Mkhitaryan too!  Say, I think my bonsai shears are there too

 

Waldorf: Oh oh, I know where this is leading

Statler: It’s time to trim…

Waldorf: It’s time to trim…

Statler: My unibrow! With our noggins do you think I’d even try to make a David Luiz, Marouane Fellaini hair quip?

Waldorf: Yeah, no NEED to do that.

 

Waldorf: We don’t have enough hair to qualify as football Einsteins

Statler: Well, that’s all relative, in theory anyway.  So what about the goals?

Waldorf: Well, the first one was scored in no time.  It takes me longer to *snore*

 

Statler: Wake up!

Waldorf: Huh? What? Oh, sorry just doing my impression of Mike Smalling

Statler: And the second, third and fourth goal?

Waldorf: *snore*

Statler: *snore*

Waldorf (sleep talking):  There’s nothing like good tactics

Statler (sleep talking): Nothing like it in this game


Statler and Waldorf drift into a deep slumber where they dream about muttering sweet (or sour) nothings into the ear of pre-hair op Antonio Conte.

2 comments

dayus - October 25, 2016 Reply

If this is supposed to be a satire,it fails big time. United hasn’t made any progress since he took over.

Ed - October 26, 2016 Reply

Would suggest that you didn’t get it

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