Tag Roy Keane Agony Aunt

Tag Roy Keane Agony Aunt

Keano’s Column: United’s Agony Aunt

April 4, 2010 Tags: , Just for fun 8 comments

Dear Keano,

Berba here. I am writing to you because I am fed up with carrying the team on my own. All season long I have created exquisite flicks and sublime control and it is proving to be a total waste of my time. Why, because those water carriers around me are simply not good enough to wear the same shirt as me.

How frustrated do you think I feel when none of my team mates is on my wavelength? They get in my way when I’m out of position and fail to read my elaborate passes when the whole point is to confuse the opposition!

Keano, You are the only one who understands what it feels like to be surrounded by inferior players. How do I deal with these frustrations without sinking to their level?

Dimitar Berbatov

Dear Berba,

Thank you for sharing your frustrations – some might say delusions – with the rest of us, on this most sensitive post-defeat Sunday of the season. Now, allow me to reply and share some of my opinions, which I suspect are similar to the rest footballing world’s.

I admit that there are those out there who see you as the re-incarnation of Eric Cantona; pure  football that lights up games and leaves connoisseurs of beauty purring.

Then there are the people outside your direct family who think you’re a footballing twat.

Given every chance, given a chant, given the ultimate stage on which to perform and you’ve blown it like a cheap street walker on New Year’s Eve.

You need to understand that you are the single biggest frustration that most Manchester United fans feel. Including me. Greater than Owen Hargreaves’ comebacks, than the Glazer debt and, hell, even greater than Nani’s decision making process.

Berba, you are more frustrating than a beautiful Cork city nun.

You are a striker, and yet you rarely strike. You are a centre forward, yet you rarely play in the box. You are a tall man with a big head, yet you rarely score headers. Hell you rarely score, and with that you rarely run, tackle or throw yourself at diving headers.
Granted you can pluck a ball out of the sky like a ballerina and flick the ball backwards like a circus seal but so feckin’ what?

If that’s your thing, then piss off back to ‘as long as we play beautiful football, it doesn’t matter that we win nuffin’ unless the year ends in one’ Tottenham Hotspur.

At United, it’s about winning, and you my sensitive European type are not going to win Bulgarian Substitute of the Year if things continue thise way.

Bayern awaits. So do we. The pressure is most definitely on. Fail us again and Triggs and I will be passing by yours very very soon.

Remember Berba, in Alderley Edge, no one can hear you scream.

Keano’s Column: United’s Agony Aunt

February 3, 2010 Tags: , Just for fun 7 comments

Dear readers,

Today we bring you the remarkable tale of Luis Nani, a heart warming story of human triumph over adversity, and a great example to the many losers out there that there is always hope, even for the most hopeless of cases.

In his first interview (today), the usually shy Nani opens himself up like never before, to talk frankly about the heartbreak of losing Cristiano, his addiction to somersaults and his deep dislike of Michael Jackson’s music.


We all remember the time, only a few weeks ago, when the football you were playing was nothing short of bad. And I mean really, really bad. Our poor opinion of you became as easy as ABC, and as clearcut as black or white. We wanted you out of our life. There were times when I wanted to grab you by the scruff of the neck and shake your body down to the ground.

Luckily, your great performances of late have calmed me down enough to ask you what everyone wants to know, how the bleedin’ hell did you manage to prove us all wrong and produce such an unexpected turnaround?

Nani: One more chance?

Mr. Keane,

Thank you for talking to me. I am very happy now after a long period of sadness where I wanted the whole world to just leave me alone.

I felt very sad that my best friend Cristiano left. Everyone loves Cristiano, and it was hard to accept the fact he was gone. ‘You are not alone’ I kept telling myself, but on that Old Trafford pitch, if felt like it.

The change came when Sir Alex put his arm around me and told me that my depression was part of human nature, but it could be dangerous if I didn’t beat it soon.

So I took a long hard look at the man in the mirror and realised that I wanted to be starting something, something positive at United.

I am a footballer, so my ambition was never to heal the world, but simply to show the fans another part of me.

Fans saw me as nothing more than a speed demon, a circus performer and worst of all a Michael Jackson impersonator. I had enough and I wanted to make that change.

So I stopped practicing somersaults and concentrated on football instead. No more double pirouettes for me, just hours of pass and move drills. This is it.

Since then, things have been fantastic, and now, the fans love me the way they loved Ronaldo. In fact I am playing so well that Real Madrid will come for me soon, I am sure of it.

In the meantime my goal is to get the fans to sing my name like they still do for Carlos Tevez, something like ‘Luis Nani is a red, he hates Jackson!” would be very nice.

I have many ambitions now with my new self belief and popularity amongst the fans. The most important thing however is to finally make sure people stop seeing Nani as a Michael Jackson look-alike and more as a person in my own right. That is my true hope and my most important life goal. Thank you all for your support.

A worthy dream. And I am sure we all agree, it couldn’t happen to a nicer man (in the mirror).

Nani, more than just a Michael Jackson look-alike

Keano’s Column: United’s Agony Aunt

January 22, 2010 Tags: , , Just for fun 1 comment

Ola Senior Roy,

Esto es Carlos. Por favour, una importante questione. Por que Gary Neville es una grande tarado?!

Hello Roy,

Gary here. A quick question, why is Carlos Tevez such a thumb sucking, ear cupping twat?!

Carlos, Gary,

Having received your messages, I thought it best to ignore them both for the sake of my sanity and the reputation of my column. This childish hostility is best addressed in a playground, and not in a serious advice section like mine.

However, upon further advice from Trisha, my agony aunt guru, I’ve decided to help you’s out as part of my relationship counselling studies.

So readers, in the spirit of daytime TV problem sharing, Carlos and Gary are brought together here, not just so that I can practice my relationship therapy skills, but so that they can sort their shite out. The greater goal is to spare the good people of Manchester anymore suffering from their constant bickering.

RK: Now Carlos, you seem to be the one with the biggest potato on your shoulder, feeling the most vulnerable here, so why don’t you start by telling us what has made you throw your toys out of the pram ever since you left United?

CT: Que?

RK: Why are you bitter?

CT: Ah si, bitter! Como el Bitter Blues. Manchester United no bery nice to Carlos. Carlos no mucho kh’appy.

RK: But you won everything with United, and they even gave you two best friends in Ji and Pat.

CT: Si. But Ferguson never love me, and he did not make me el capitain like Gary.

RK: Feck’s sake Carlos, enough with the whingeing ! Why do you always have to be the centre of fecking everything!

GN: Calm down Roy. The issue here is not Carlos’ treatment or him going to City, after all, the end of his career is none of our business. The issue here is that he called me a sock sucker, and that really, really, hurt.

CT: Gary, you call me an argie scouse bastardo, and then you show me the middle finger. That is very hurting to me also. I come from the toughest barrio of Buenos Aires, and I have never been so hurt like this.

GN: I did not realise that Carlos. I agree that words can hurt. Truth is you remind me of me, at a younger age, when I had the world at my feet.

CT: Gary, it is only because I respect you and your achievements so mucho that I say bad things about you. I was hurt by your rejection, so I want to hurt you back. My dream was to be as loved by the United fans as you are: ‘Carlos Tevez is a red, he hates scooters.’

GN: …and all I want now Carlos is for the Stretford End to sing ‘Sign him up, Fergie, Fergie sign him up!’ to me as they did to you.

CT: Te amo Gary. One day I will speak Engrish so we can never fight like this again.

GN: Carlos, you daft little grafter! See you at Pat’s later?

CT: Si mi amor.

So Carlos and Gary worked things out with a bit of Keano’s old fashioned bro-mancing magic.

Now hopefully the animosity is behind us, and we can all sit back and enjoy the derby match at Old Trafford on Wednesday night, having managed to ensure just in time that the rivalry wont be overshadowed by anything other than the football on the pitch.

Another job well done by me.


Keano’s Column: United’s Agony Aunt

January 15, 2010 Tags: Just for fun 3 comments

From an anonymous fan

Mr Keane. I’m interested in your view as to why the ownership of our Manchester United Buccaneers team has produced so much anger in the fans?

Has it not been under the Glazers’ exemplary stewardship of the business, I mean the club, that we have achieved such unrivaled success? Did we not win the UK bowl three years in a row? Did we not also win the World Series?

As a former quarterback of the mighty devils, and an expert in anger management, your opinion on how these, I mean, how us fans think would be very welcome. Go team Go!

Anonymous fan?

Who do you think you are kidding Malcolm? Your email’s IP address is the same as the email I received from you previously, when you sent me that fecking bill for 37p for the use of the Carrington water cooler in 2005.

I’ve just about managed to calm down since then, and as I’m duty bound to honour my commitment to this column, sure enough I’ll give you my view as to why the world at large thinks you’re a Mick McCarthy class fecker.

Now I might not be the most loved fella in the world Malcolm, but by Jesus compared to you’s, I’m positively mother Theresa’s apple crumble.

How comes? Well, we’ve all read the articles and heard the arguments about the root of your astonishing unpopularity. However, I think we’ve overlooked one vital factor that transcends all the valid points made previously e.g. debt, ticket prices, transfer funds etc.

Malcolm, I think the sheer scale and ferocity of the hatred towards you can be attributed largely to the unfortunate fact that you look like a mischievous thieving Leprechaun.

We’re not talking the pot of gold charming fecker kind that you read about in fairytales. I am talking the evil ginger bearded gold toothed alcoholic type you associate with cold turkey hallucinations.

Had you been a charming fecker like that Blair fella, or maybe a pretty Page 3 type lassy, then we’d have forgiven you a long time ago. “Aye, he may be pillaging our club, but he’s a good looking fella that Malcolm.”

That is not the case, and unfortunately for you, being the devious looking ugly fecker type has done you no favours in your quest to be loved while you ransack the club we love so dearly. Fair dues to you, it’s a tricky balance I must admit.

Evil Leprechaun | Malcom Glazer

Evil Leprechaun | Malcom Glazer

Now no need to lose heart here Malcolm, for like anything, there’s still hope in getting the fans onside.

Firstly shave the beard, then cull the number of kids to two (you can keep Edward and Darcie but six kids just emphasises the evil cartoon character persona plaguing you)

Most importantly, you need to sell United back to the fans, at a discount. If you follow my advice and repent, then you’ll be alright by us!

Actually I’m just fecking with you, there’s really no snowball’s chance in hell they’ll ever forgive you; not even if you turn your debt laden attentions to Liverpool.



Keano’s Column: United’s Agony Aunt

January 10, 2010 Tags: Just for fun 6 comments

Dear Roy – Hope you’re enjoying Suffolk and the dogs are well. I’m sure you’ve figured out why I’m writing after all these years. Losing to Leeds has truly shocked me. For once I am questioning the strength of my anger towards the team. That’s why I’m writing to you, my most trusted Lieutenant, for that honest advice you are so open to giving.


Firstly, I accept your apology and admission that booting me out in 2005 was your greatest mistake. Now, let bygones be bygones as I am not one to hold a grudge.

Now Alex, I think you are right to be feeling this anger towards your team. Coming to me was the right thing to do, as blind rage is an area I have studied in great detail.

Firstly, you should not hold your anger inside; it’s unhealthy. Simply let it rip in no uncertain terms like a crazed dog on speed. It’s therapeutic.

Feel free to tell all those quitters around you that they’re not fit to wear the shirt, and that they’re a bunch of prawn munching pampered Dublin softies, or words to that effect.

Secondly, focus your retribution on key areas. Now far be it from me to point at fellow professionals, but a few home ‘truuts need to be told here.

Alex, what the feck is this fella Berbatov all about? I’ve seen more effort in a sloth, and more heart in an artichoke. It makes me angry just thinking of him wearing the red shirt. Make an example of him. No not another boot in the face, this time, simply make the ta’sser practice the old 50/50 sliding tackle drill with the Carrington lawnmower; that’ll teach him to shirk a challenge, and make sure this is done in front of the whole team, every day for a month. Once that’s done, sell him in the summer…to Ipswich

And as for that Scouse midget, well how comes you’re suddenly all soft on him? Is it because he’s free Alex? Or is it because of the horse thing? Well whatever the reason, stop being soft and bin him. He’s not good enough for Liverpool, he definitely not good enough for United. Again, if you need a favour, I’ll take him off your hands.

Now, for the rest of those pansies, well a good old fashioned 24 hour ice bath, followed by a spell in Accrington Stanley reserves, culminating with a team trip down Leeds high street with no security, in full United colours, should do the trick.

Remember Alex, anger is good, but rage is what gets the job done. It maybe unfashionable these days, but give me a cattle prod over a sports psychologist any day of the week. Best of luck to you.

So reader, if you find yourself in need of advice, Roy here will be only too happy to give you some of my good old fashioned guidance.