José: the musical interlude

April 8, 2018 Tags: , Opinion No comments
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Wrecking Ball: José’s Ode to Marouane

Marouane Fellaini walks into Mourinho’s office.

 

Fellaini: You wanted to see me boss?

Mourinho: Sit down.

 

José closes the door, plays Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball” and begins to sing…

 

I picked, you played, ne-ver complained,

They jeer and I don’t know why,

You foul, I yell “oh bloo-dy hell”,

You just let your elbows fly,

 

You don’t ever say, “I can’t play José”,

I will always pick you,

Scott McTominay will not take your place,

I will always pick you,

 

Fellaini you’re my wrecking ball,

Your chest control is wonderful,

Sign your contract please don’t see me bawl,

Just be careful not to el-bow-oh me,

No, don’t, don’t el-bow-oh me,

 

You are near-ly two metres tall,

So sign, the deal down below,

Don’t make me break Ed Woodward’s door,

I’m skint, with all the fines I owe,

 

Don’t you ever say, “Farewell my José”,

I will always pick you,

I can’t live a lie, you’re my perfect guy,

I will always pick you,

 

Fellaini you’re my wrecking ball,

I’ll never sub you like Mata,

Sign your contract please don’t see me bawl,

Just be careful not to el-bow-oh me,

 

Fellaini you’re my wrecking ball,

Your hair is better than Pogba’s,

Sign your contract please don’t see me bawl,

Just be careful not to el-bow-oh me,

No, don’t, don’t el-bow-oh me,

 

I never thought I’d see you off,

I don’t want to watch you in Turkey

This is all Ed Woodward’s fault,

You have a deal from PSG,

 

I never want to see you go,

Yeah, you always played for LVG,

We value you, we both agree

Don’t you ever say, “best of luck, José”,

I will always pick you,

 

Fellaini you’re my wrecking ball,

Your chest control is wonderful,

Sign your contract please don’t see me bawl,

Just be careful not to el-bow-oh me,

 

Fellaini you’re my wrecking ball,

Your new deal is so gen-e-rous,

Sign your contract please don’t see me bawl,

Just be careful not to el-bow-oh me,

No, don’t, don’t el-bow-oh me,

No, don’t, don’t el-bow-oh me,

 

As the performance ends Marouane cuts a bemused figure.

Marouane: Umm…boss…I don’t know what to say. Was the sledgehammer and wrecking ball necessary?

José: Yes, now sign the contract and shut up!

 

Let Him Go: José’s Ode to Luke Shaw


Luke Shaw


 

At a press conference José Mourinho is asked about Luke Shaw.  José snaps and instead of offering an answer he breaks out into song, crooning to the tune of “Let it Go” from the movie Frozen.

 

I haul him off cos he didn’t play right,

He never listens to me,

A player who was left over,

From the time of LVG,

 

My anger rises, yes he’s not my cup of tea,

Should not have turned me down, back at Chelsea,

 

I’ll knock him here, I’ll knock him there,

Does he have feels? You know I just don’t care!

Well Ed, don’t dread, go with the flow,

Just so you know,

 

Let him go, let him go,

I don’t rate him anyway,

Let him go, let him go,

I will never let Luke play,

 

Ashley Young,

Can play any day,

Oh let Luke train on,

He will never play for me anyway,

 

Oh Luke may be a player,

But he is no athlete,

He’s quicker at eating Nandos,

That peri-peri treat,

 

Tac-tic-ally he has no clue,

I have to tell him what to do,

Replacements are the things for me,

Tierney!

 

Let him go, let him go,

Let him run to the press and cry,

Let him go, let him go,

Why does he have French fries?

 

I don’t care, how much he cost,

I’m in full meltdown,

 

He says to me “Please, mister take me from the pitch”,

And I am angry because he has made me do the switch,

And am I scapegoating like a vindictive man?

Oh no it’s all a part of José’s masterplan!

 

Let him go, Let him go,

I’ll find someone else to blame,

Let him go, let him go

And my reasoning’s not lame!

I don’t care if he wants to stay,

It’s my ego’s call,

Luke will never play for me anyway.


 

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